The Best Days

"These are the best days of your life."

I'm sure every new mama has heard this line. I've rolled my eyes at it countless times in the past 2 years of my motherhood journey. The most recent time I was told this famous line was from my Gma just last week. For some reason it struck me differently this time, and it's been bouncing around in my head ever since. I realized that I'm always trying to speed everything up; get to the next stage as fast as I can. Just trying to make it until nap time, until my husband gets home, bedtime, the weekend, the baby sleeps all night, the kids start school, we can afford vacation, a nicer car, a bigger house. The list goes on and on and turns into a huge monster that steals joy. But what about right now? My life right now is what I've always wanted. What I dreamed about and prayed for. Why am I always trying to rush it?

Every diaper I change, and spit up explosion I clean, every time I sing that line from that Sugarland song, "we're so broke that it ain't funny", plan a date with my husband around the baby's eating schedule, the days I don't even brush my teeth, whisper, "I love you" to my husband in the dark because we finally got the baby to sleep, sing Wheels On The Bus, ask my toddler what a whale says (it's my favorite) say, "Sit down, get down, give me that," and, "Use your words!" Every time I go to the bathroom with an audience, yell at the barking dog, read a Buzzfeed article while I'm nursing the baby at 4am.

Every load of laundry, sink full of dirty dishes, and dust bunny I sweep. When we have PB&J for dinner...again. Every crayon mark on the furniture, floor, walls, doors, etc. Every time my coffee gets spilled, every runny nose I wipe, when I watch Daniel Tiger instead of Grey's Anatomy. When I use words like, "paci, night night, bye bye, and beep beep." When my #ootd is a nursing tank and maternity leggings.

When my husband knows just how to make me laugh when I feel like I'm drowning in it all.

Every stretch mark, breast pad, and the dark circles under my eyes are pieces of my dream, and I'm letting it slip right by.

One day my life will be very different. I won't have to speed eat my meals. I won't have diapers in my purse, or goldfish on the floorboard of the car. I'll shower more than once a week, (okay maybe that habit started before I had kids) and have a lot less laundry to fold. And maybe someday I'll have a nicer car and a bigger house and we'll go on vacations.

But for right now, I want to embrace it. I don't want to miss anymore moments.

I'm living my dream.

On Your 2nd Birthday...

Dear Emery, 

Today you are two years old. I cannot believe it. I think your second year went by faster than your first! (Probably because I spent most of it chasing you...) You're my little sidekick and I love toting you around (neither one of us do well being in the house for too long.) We kept busy with Mother's Day out, MOPs, and Friday's at Celebration. You are still a great sleeper, and your dad and I know that's a huge blessing. 7pm-7am with a 2.5 hour nap in between, Lord knows you need your rest after not sitting still all.day.long. You are constant movement, chaos, and joy, but you are also strong willed and know what you want and how you want it. I have loved watching you grow this year as you come into your own little personality. Some of our favorite things you do lately are animal noises (I think whale might be my favorite!) how you say "thumbs up dude" while holding up your index fingers, how much you love shoes, your dance moves, putting things on your head and walking around, and your belly laugh. You still throw your food off your tray (or feed it to Ludo) if we don't react to your "all done" quick enough, and you still eat dog food every chance you get, always saying, "mmmmmmm yum!" When you get caught. You say, "Yes, Mom." or "Yes, Daddy." when we get on to you and have recently started saying, "Sorry." I absolutely love being your mom, even on days when you're driving me bonkers. I can't wait to see your bond with Lincoln grow; I know you will be the best (bossy) big sister. 

I love you Emery Kate, thank you for teaching me so much about myself. Happy, happy birthday!

P.S. Sometimes my phone autocorrects "Emery" to "energy" and I have to say, I've never seen anything so accurate.

On Year One of Motherhood...

Dear Emery,

Today is your first birthday. How did we get here? A year ago today they were laying you on my chest after 30+ hours of labor. I remember looking at you and trying to wrap my brain around the fact that you were mine. You were the gentle flutters and not so gentle kicks that I had felt move inside me for 9 months. I had dreamed of what you would look like, knowing that once I finally got to see you I would never forget your face. Your dad cried and said, "that's our baby girl" when we heard you, even before we saw you! I wasn't overcome with emotion, love, or fear. I just stared at you. 

You've changed a lot around here. Mostly good, of course. You have made your dad's tender heart even more tender, I think. He calls you "kiddo" and "sweetie" and other names that I had never heard come out of his mouth before you. I guess that's just what babies do to dads. :)

And for me, well settle in because you've changed a whole lot about me. I've come out the other side as a new person completely. You have made me more compassionate, Emery. I love so much better because of you. You've also made me realize how amazing moms truly are. I've left encouraging notes to moms on tables at restaurants, high-fived moms in Target, and even given my phone number to a complete stranger because I found her crying trying to register for her baby shower. I often tell people that you "turned my world upside down" and I mean it in the best way. My friendships have taken a beating this year, especially the first five months of your life... I couldn't tell up from down let alone return a text message. But there are some relationships that have deepened this year and for that I am so, so thankful.

I've heard a lot of "you won't be able to remember life before her" since you've been around, but your Aunt Heather and I decided that's a bunch of bologna because let me tell you, I remember those long afternoon naps and days where I operated on MY schedule and not a tiny little person's. ;) So, yes, I remember life before you, but I'll tell you what: I would never trade it. 

I thank God that he entrusted you to your dad and me. Our hope and prayer is that you grow up seeking Him and walking with Him for your whole life. We love you baby girl, Happy Birthday!

me + you

New Mommy Survival List (Baby Edition)

So, you're preggo! Congrats! Let's go register!! I was super excited to get that fun little registry gun and roam the aisles of the baby superstore. Until I actually got in the store and I walked down the first aisle and saw the 50+ different brands of baby stuff I had never heard of. It was very different than Wedding Registry, because you know you'll need a toaster and silverware and you can basically just pick whatever you want and it'll be fine. But figuring out what brand you should get for the carseat... a little more daunting. (In my experience, we picked Graco because it's a well known brand with an awesome warranty.)

So, here's my top 9 list of things you'll want to use those gift cards on if nobody gets them off your registry! Of course every mom is different, and every baby is different, but here's the things that saved me!


1. Swaddle- We found that the zipper swaddles did not work as well, because she could work her arms up and get her hand out the top! The velcro ones are awesome, but you'll want a few different sizes because they grow out of them fast!

2. White Noise Machine- There's a lot of debate over white noise machines, if they are beneficial for your child or not, but we love them! Especially while your baby is still sleeping in your room! We placed it right under her bed and at the highest volume.

3. Pacifiers- I was totally against pacifiers when Emery was first born. "She doesn't need them." I told the nurses. "She's fine. It will cause nipple confusion and she won't breastfeed!!" Flash forward to my third night at home with her at 3am and she's screaming bloody murder >> I popped a pacifier in her mouth and it was done with. Instantly stopped crying, instantly went to sleep. Pacifier boycott over.  (She's slept with one ever since.) I recommend registering for a few different kinds, since you never know which one's your baby will like!

4. Boppy- LIFE SAVER. Especially for middle of the night feedings! Emery doesn't have to have it now, but I still use it most feedings so I can have my hands free!

5. Rock and Play- My sister-in-law was the one who gave me the heads up about this- absolutely awesome! I can't tell you how many times Emery would start to stir in the night and I just reached over and rocked her back to sleep! Super awesome! Emery still sleeps in hers even though we've moved her into her room.

6. Video Monitor- Seriously one of the best inventions, ever. I registered for the same one that the family I nannied for used, just because I was already familiar with it! It has some bad reviews online, but I haven't had any problems with it. It also allows you to purchase a second camera by itself, so you can have two cameras and only one monitor. (Ya know, for when baby #2 shows up!)

7. Gas Drops and Gripe Water- Yes, you'll need both. Just trust me, okay? Gripe Water works great for excessive crying, upset tummy, hiccups, and just plain irritability! It's usually my go to if I've tried everything and she's still upset. (I feel okay to give it to her in those situations because it's all natural - not medicine.) However, when your baby is SCREECHING and pulling her legs up in pain, you'll want Gas Drops. Emery had her first dose at 1.5 weeks old after I ate lasagna for three meals in a row and apparently did a work on her belly! Seeing her have instant relief calmed this new mama's heart. (Tip: Gas Drops help to make big bubbles into little bubbles, so after you give them to your baby, try to burp her or lay her on her back and bicycle her legs until she works some toots out!)

8. Gowns- (Yes for boys, too!) Picture this: it's 2:14 am. You've been asleep for 27 minutes. Total. The whole night. And you are awoken by a crying baby. And then: the smell. Yes, your sweet child has done pooped herself. (The bright side is she'll probably sleep better now.) So you roll out of bed, fumble around for a diaper and wipes, and then pick up your baby and try to unsnap three very small snaps in the light of the moon. Yeah, forget that. Gowns make it at least 5x easier for a zombie to change a diaper. (The zombie is you, if you didn't catch that.)

9. Young Living Peace and Calming Essential Oils- Okay, so you can't register for this. But I guarantee you that you know somebody who sells Young Living. (Actually I sell it, so... yeah.) My friend Melissa signed up to bring us dinner when Emery was brand new and she also brought along some samples of Peace and Calming Oil. I let those little samples sit under a pile of mail until one night I was so fried and desperately wanted some good sleep, and I remembered them! I put just a little on Emery's chest and bottom of her feet that night after her bath, and I kid you not she slept for 6 hours that night. I woke up at 5am in PANIC mode. But she was just fine, snoozing away like a little hippie baby wearing her essential oils! From that night (She was 5 weeks old) on we have put it on her after her bath. It's sorta like my best friend.



Well, there ya go! What were your favorite items for those first couple months of pure survival mode?

You Think You Know...

Remember that show on MTV back in the day called "Diary"? It would follow celebrities around to give you a look inside their life? Well, the opening credits said, "You think you know, but you have NO idea."

That little saying was on repeat in my frazzled head the first month of Emery's life. It was 3 am, and Emery had been asleep for 2.5 seconds. Okay, it was more like an hour, but it felt like 2.5 seconds.

Before I had Emery, I honestly thought I knew what being a mom would be like. I kept telling myself, "I'm going to be really tired. That's okay, there's coffee for that." LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING. Coffee doesn't mean (insert your profanity of choice) at 3am. Or at 1am. Or at 6:42am when your husband's alarm is about to go off and you haven't slept more than 2 hours.

Transitioning into being a parent is much, much more than just "being tired". First off, you aren't just "tired". You are exhausted. More exhausted than you have ever been in your entire life. Don't try to fight me on this. You are more tired than that all-night lock-in at the local rec center in 6th grade. More tired than that night you stayed up with your dog barfing until 3am. More tired than the time you drank a Redbull too close to bedtime and you were up until 6 and then had to get up for work at 7. And here's why- after all of those times, eventually, you got to sleep for more than 8 hours. When you have a sweet, precious little infant, that doesn't happen. For months. Seriously.

"But, Haley, just sleep when the baby sleeps! You'll be fine!" NO. Sleeping when the baby sleeps, sometimes, just flat out doesn't happen. Because you have to eat, go to the bathroom, and Lord willing TAKE A SHOWER. Oh, and the dog has to be let out, and the laundry has to be done, and grocery shopping and vacuuming and dinner prep and bills and work and honestly, sometimes I just want to watch the latest episode of Keeping Up With The Kardashians, and the only time to do it is when she's sleeping.

And then, there's the crying. Emery didn't even have Colic and I wanted to pull my hair out over how often she cried. Here's the thing you have to learn: sometimes babies just cry. For no reason. Sweet, huh? Think you're having a hard time adjusting to having a kid? Babies are adjusting, too. Their little tummies are figuring out how to work and they're learning to live life on the outside and breathe air!

This one time, I begged Josh to just hold our screaming child long enough for me to pluck my eyebrows. Priorities, people.

Also, I knew babies smelled bad, but I was not expecting how bad I would smell. I have now gotten used to the stench of motherhood- it's either spit up or spoiled milk, and did anyone else have to buy a stronger deodorant after having a kid? I don't know if it's hormones or what, but my B.O. is out of control ever since I had Emery - maybe it's because there are days I legitimately cannot remember the last time I took a shower? Also, GROSS ALERT- somedays Josh will call that he's on his way home from work and I realized I haven't even brushed my teeth that day. Sick.

All this "complaining" to say, being a mom is hard. And I know you've probably heard this before, but it's SO WORTH IT. It's hard to grasp that when you just got poop all over you and your kid won't breastfeed and all you want to do is cry. (I swear I don't know who cried more in Emery's first month- me or her.) But then, miraculously, they start sleeping through the night. And when you go in their room in the morning, you're greeted with a smile. A sweet, drooling, gummy little smile because she knows who you are. And that makes it all okay. Until you pick her up and she spits up down the front of your shirt.

So I've learned to laugh at a lot of it. And I've reached out to other moms about the hard things, and I'm realizing that we've got to stick together! United we stand, mom's. UNITED. WE. STAND. Dramatic, much? It's okay to admit that somedays, being a mom sucks. It just does. And it's okay to say that. It doesn't make you a bad mom, or wife, or person. It makes you real. Nobody is perfect and that's okay. Let's laugh together. Let's pray for each other. Let's tell each other the gross stories. About the times when you stick your kid in the crib for "play time" when really it's just "give Mom a break time".

Let's just be real. 

New Mommy Survival List (Mommy Edition)

I just wanted to share a few of my favorite things...

-Target nursing tanks. Seriously, I live in them. I only had one to start with, and I would literally sit around naked while it was in the washing machine. So great for middle of the night feedings, and super comfortable! Plus, you can wear it under your "real" clothes and it doubles as a bra/camisole!

-Netflix!! I love it!! Josh and I cancelled our TV while I was pregnant, and got Netflix instead. Way cheaper! :) It has been my saving grace, especially while nursing. They also have an app, so I can watch it wherever I am while I'm nursing! So far, (this includes while I was pregnant) I've watched:

Sherlock
Once Upon A Time
Friday Night Lights
Hart of Dixie
Rules of Engagement
Dawson's Creek
The Baby-Sitter's Club
Alias
Grey's Anatomy

So, yeah, like I said, I love Netflix.

-Two Dots. If you haven't heard of it, let me tell you. It is a free, VERY addicting game. Another super awesome pastime for those middle of the night feedings.

-Yogurt and protein bars. Easy to grab, easy to eat!

-Iced coffee. BLESS YOU. Between the Texas heat and hormonal hot flashes, I just can't handle hot coffee! I started brewing coffee at night, and then refrigerating it overnight in a half gallon jug. (By the way, if you are brewing for iced coffee, double the amount of grounds so ice/creamer doesn't water it down. Thanks for that tip, Stephanie!)

-A helpful husband. I don't want to make you gag, but my husband is AMAZING. I am so, so thankful for him. He is so hands on with Emery. Never hesitant to change a diaper or get up in the night to shush her back to sleep.

What Have I Done?? (A Reflection on Emery's First Three Weeks)

You could've asked me from the time I could talk up until Emery was born what "I wanted to be when I grew up" and the answer would be the same: a mom. (Except the short span around age 8 when I wanted to be a waitress.) I could hold a baby on my hip with ease around age 6. By age 11 I was babysitting. In high school I got in huge arguments with my teachers because I could care less about college tours and scholarships. I wanted to graduate, get married, and have babies. I worked summers at Hume in the nursery and day camp. I've nannied for countless families for kids of all ages. Babies didn't scare me. Taking care of kiddos came easy to me. I loved rocking babies to sleep, changing diapers, fixing meals, driving the carpool, wiping noses. I was the girl that walked into my friends house and demanded they take a shower or a nap while I took the screaming baby. Because of all of this, I expected to transition into motherhood with ease.

I was wrong.

We spent almost a week in the hospital because of my C-Section and Emery's jaundice. The whole time we were there I was so excited for people to come visit! The first night home from the hospital with Emery was a breeze. She slept until almost 4:00am, and went right back to sleep after I fed her. I woke up and started my day with a smile on my face and a skip in my step. I was living the dream. MY dream. All I'd ever wanted. My mom offered to spend the night since my dad was out of town. Sure, I thought! That will be fun. We can just talk about how precious my baby is while Mom helps with dishes and laundry. That night Emery slept in our room again and I woke up feeling awesome. Tired, but awesome. And then my mom left. And then, my hormones went BERSERK. And I followed shortly after. I couldn't even look at Emery without crying. I cringed when she cried. Had no interest in holding her. The cute outfits and bows didn't help. All I could think about was, WHAT HAVE I DONE?

I texted my mom not even 2 hours after she left and asked when she was coming back. She told me she'd call me in a bit. My sister-in-law Nicole came over and plucked my eyebrows. Halfway through, my mom called. I ran to my closet and sat on my birthing ball (a place that has become quite popular for my emotional meltdowns) and screamed into the phone that I absolutely cannot do this and I need her to come back and why in the world did the Lord let me have a baby because I am certainly NOT cut out for this. She said she'd head right over. God bless that woman. I walked back into the living room, and while Nicole started on my right eyebrow, our best friends Austin and Stephanie walked in. I tried to small talk. I tried to act normal. I tried to smile. I tried to agree when everybody talked about how cute Emery was. Shortly after my mom arrived and I tried to pretend it was her idea to come back. It was too much. I needed an escape. I decided to take a shower, just to be alone. I bawled the whole time. I was on the sitting on the toilet naked when Josh popped his head in and asked what I wanted to do for dinner. I burst into tears. God bless that man. He started to console me and then said, "Do you want me to get your mom?" I responded with snot all over my face, "YES." And then I asked him to kick our friends out. I'm the worst. He's the best. My mom came in and then I started what might be the lowest point of my life. Hugging my mom, naked, sitting on the toilet, crying. The lowest of low.

And that was my life until Emery was 3 weeks old. I cried everyday. All day. I had no appetite. My mom would bring me snacks and meals and I would try my best to gag them down. I didn't want to see anyone. I didn't answer my phone. I didn't want to talk to anyone. If I did, it was over text so I could cry without the person knowing. People who had so graciously signed up to bring us dinner showed up with huge smiles and open arms and I thanked them shortly and didn't even get up off the couch. (Sorry people who brought meals week 1-3!) It was all I could do to keep myself together until they walked out the door. And then I cried again. We tried to have our friends over a few times, and it always ended with me crying in the bathroom. My sister-in-law Heather tried her best to reassure me that it was okay to lock myself in my room while my mom held my screaming child in the other room. Which I did, a lot. And I barely even felt bad about it. I held my mom hostage the first week Josh went back to work. I cried if I even THOUGHT about her leaving. She was amazing. Constantly telling me that I wasn't crazy. That the hormones were normal. That it would go away. That I would feel better. Her last day here we went over to her house for the day, and then Josh picked me and Emery up to take us home. Mom didn't come with us because Josh would be home for the weekend. I cried the entire ride home. Josh was amazing. Never hesitating to change a diaper or get up in the middle of the night to rock her back to sleep. I apologized daily (sometimes hourly) for being such a crazy person. Even when I knew I was acting crazy, I couldn't control it. Which made me feel crazier.

And then, the day Emery turned 3 weeks old, I woke up, looked at her, and fell in love. I remember saying, "Josh! I really like her!" It was a miracle. At least to me, ha ha! It was like a switch flipped. Her crying didn't bother me, I wanted to dress her up and take her out! I started posting a million pictures and my tweets got a little more uplifting. We could have friends over and I actually had a good time. I felt like myself again.

I didn't write this blog to complain, or freak all the first-time-pregnant moms out. I wanted to write about it because I don't feel like anyone does. Sure, you hear about it changing your whole life, and being super tired, and having "mom brain", but I've rarely heard or read about women experiencing the craziness that is Baby Blues. I want to get the word out there- that you AREN'T crazy. And that it IS normal.

So please, if you just had a baby and you're wondering where all those warm fuzzy feelings are, just know, they're hiding. But they will come out. Eventually. 

PS: Just so you know, there are different levels of Baby Blues, some worse and some better than mine. Also, not every mom experiences it, so if it didn't happen to you, please ignore this blog. :)