New Mommy Survival List (Mommy Edition)

I just wanted to share a few of my favorite things...

-Target nursing tanks. Seriously, I live in them. I only had one to start with, and I would literally sit around naked while it was in the washing machine. So great for middle of the night feedings, and super comfortable! Plus, you can wear it under your "real" clothes and it doubles as a bra/camisole!

-Netflix!! I love it!! Josh and I cancelled our TV while I was pregnant, and got Netflix instead. Way cheaper! :) It has been my saving grace, especially while nursing. They also have an app, so I can watch it wherever I am while I'm nursing! So far, (this includes while I was pregnant) I've watched:

Sherlock
Once Upon A Time
Friday Night Lights
Hart of Dixie
Rules of Engagement
Dawson's Creek
The Baby-Sitter's Club
Alias
Grey's Anatomy

So, yeah, like I said, I love Netflix.

-Two Dots. If you haven't heard of it, let me tell you. It is a free, VERY addicting game. Another super awesome pastime for those middle of the night feedings.

-Yogurt and protein bars. Easy to grab, easy to eat!

-Iced coffee. BLESS YOU. Between the Texas heat and hormonal hot flashes, I just can't handle hot coffee! I started brewing coffee at night, and then refrigerating it overnight in a half gallon jug. (By the way, if you are brewing for iced coffee, double the amount of grounds so ice/creamer doesn't water it down. Thanks for that tip, Stephanie!)

-A helpful husband. I don't want to make you gag, but my husband is AMAZING. I am so, so thankful for him. He is so hands on with Emery. Never hesitant to change a diaper or get up in the night to shush her back to sleep.

What Have I Done?? (A Reflection on Emery's First Three Weeks)

You could've asked me from the time I could talk up until Emery was born what "I wanted to be when I grew up" and the answer would be the same: a mom. (Except the short span around age 8 when I wanted to be a waitress.) I could hold a baby on my hip with ease around age 6. By age 11 I was babysitting. In high school I got in huge arguments with my teachers because I could care less about college tours and scholarships. I wanted to graduate, get married, and have babies. I worked summers at Hume in the nursery and day camp. I've nannied for countless families for kids of all ages. Babies didn't scare me. Taking care of kiddos came easy to me. I loved rocking babies to sleep, changing diapers, fixing meals, driving the carpool, wiping noses. I was the girl that walked into my friends house and demanded they take a shower or a nap while I took the screaming baby. Because of all of this, I expected to transition into motherhood with ease.

I was wrong.

We spent almost a week in the hospital because of my C-Section and Emery's jaundice. The whole time we were there I was so excited for people to come visit! The first night home from the hospital with Emery was a breeze. She slept until almost 4:00am, and went right back to sleep after I fed her. I woke up and started my day with a smile on my face and a skip in my step. I was living the dream. MY dream. All I'd ever wanted. My mom offered to spend the night since my dad was out of town. Sure, I thought! That will be fun. We can just talk about how precious my baby is while Mom helps with dishes and laundry. That night Emery slept in our room again and I woke up feeling awesome. Tired, but awesome. And then my mom left. And then, my hormones went BERSERK. And I followed shortly after. I couldn't even look at Emery without crying. I cringed when she cried. Had no interest in holding her. The cute outfits and bows didn't help. All I could think about was, WHAT HAVE I DONE?

I texted my mom not even 2 hours after she left and asked when she was coming back. She told me she'd call me in a bit. My sister-in-law Nicole came over and plucked my eyebrows. Halfway through, my mom called. I ran to my closet and sat on my birthing ball (a place that has become quite popular for my emotional meltdowns) and screamed into the phone that I absolutely cannot do this and I need her to come back and why in the world did the Lord let me have a baby because I am certainly NOT cut out for this. She said she'd head right over. God bless that woman. I walked back into the living room, and while Nicole started on my right eyebrow, our best friends Austin and Stephanie walked in. I tried to small talk. I tried to act normal. I tried to smile. I tried to agree when everybody talked about how cute Emery was. Shortly after my mom arrived and I tried to pretend it was her idea to come back. It was too much. I needed an escape. I decided to take a shower, just to be alone. I bawled the whole time. I was on the sitting on the toilet naked when Josh popped his head in and asked what I wanted to do for dinner. I burst into tears. God bless that man. He started to console me and then said, "Do you want me to get your mom?" I responded with snot all over my face, "YES." And then I asked him to kick our friends out. I'm the worst. He's the best. My mom came in and then I started what might be the lowest point of my life. Hugging my mom, naked, sitting on the toilet, crying. The lowest of low.

And that was my life until Emery was 3 weeks old. I cried everyday. All day. I had no appetite. My mom would bring me snacks and meals and I would try my best to gag them down. I didn't want to see anyone. I didn't answer my phone. I didn't want to talk to anyone. If I did, it was over text so I could cry without the person knowing. People who had so graciously signed up to bring us dinner showed up with huge smiles and open arms and I thanked them shortly and didn't even get up off the couch. (Sorry people who brought meals week 1-3!) It was all I could do to keep myself together until they walked out the door. And then I cried again. We tried to have our friends over a few times, and it always ended with me crying in the bathroom. My sister-in-law Heather tried her best to reassure me that it was okay to lock myself in my room while my mom held my screaming child in the other room. Which I did, a lot. And I barely even felt bad about it. I held my mom hostage the first week Josh went back to work. I cried if I even THOUGHT about her leaving. She was amazing. Constantly telling me that I wasn't crazy. That the hormones were normal. That it would go away. That I would feel better. Her last day here we went over to her house for the day, and then Josh picked me and Emery up to take us home. Mom didn't come with us because Josh would be home for the weekend. I cried the entire ride home. Josh was amazing. Never hesitating to change a diaper or get up in the middle of the night to rock her back to sleep. I apologized daily (sometimes hourly) for being such a crazy person. Even when I knew I was acting crazy, I couldn't control it. Which made me feel crazier.

And then, the day Emery turned 3 weeks old, I woke up, looked at her, and fell in love. I remember saying, "Josh! I really like her!" It was a miracle. At least to me, ha ha! It was like a switch flipped. Her crying didn't bother me, I wanted to dress her up and take her out! I started posting a million pictures and my tweets got a little more uplifting. We could have friends over and I actually had a good time. I felt like myself again.

I didn't write this blog to complain, or freak all the first-time-pregnant moms out. I wanted to write about it because I don't feel like anyone does. Sure, you hear about it changing your whole life, and being super tired, and having "mom brain", but I've rarely heard or read about women experiencing the craziness that is Baby Blues. I want to get the word out there- that you AREN'T crazy. And that it IS normal.

So please, if you just had a baby and you're wondering where all those warm fuzzy feelings are, just know, they're hiding. But they will come out. Eventually. 

PS: Just so you know, there are different levels of Baby Blues, some worse and some better than mine. Also, not every mom experiences it, so if it didn't happen to you, please ignore this blog. :)

The Birth of Emery Kate

In the week leading up to the night my water broke, I checked almost everything off my pre-Emery to-do list. We finished our birthing classes, Josh bought me a "push present", I got a pedicure, colored my hair, packed my bag, and installed the carseat. Did we will it to happen early?? On Tuesday, I had my 38 week appointment with my midwife, Michele, where I told her I was having period-like cramps and watery discharge, but nothing too exciting. She laughed, "Maybe next week's appointment will be a postpartum check up!" Wednesday, my doula, Whitni, texted me and told me that this weekend Josh and I should try to have a nice date day together because she felt like it might be the last weekend that we were kid free. On Thursday I talked to my mom back and forth all day about whether or not she should leave to go on her trip to California the next day. I teased her and told her there was no way to know when Emery was coming, that it could even be four more weeks! She kept telling me that she could stay home but I felt bad telling her to stay with the possibility of nothing happening. When she landed in California she let me know, and (jokingly) I told her my water had broken 30 minutes ago, followed by a, "JUST KIDDING!".

The last prego pic! 38 weeks

That night my water broke at 2:10am. 11 days before my due date.

My entire pregnancy I expected to go past my due date, since I was told most first time moms do! But not me! I got the typical middle-of-the-night, wake up your husband, fumble to the bathroom while a trail of goo follows behind you, movie style "My water just broke!" water-breaking story. 

I texted my midwife and doula, who both told me to go back to sleep! I also had to text my mom, and add a "for real!" to the end of it so she knew I wasn't just teasing her again. She jumped up and starting looking at flights back here. As I was sitting on the toilet (freaking out) I could hear Josh fumbling around so I asked him what he was doing. He responded, "Getting ready!!!" He had gotten fully dressed. It was so cute. I told him they had instructed me to try to get some more sleep, so we both laid back down. At 4am, I had another gush of water, just as big as before. So I was up again to change into dry clothes. Finally at 5:00 we decided we couldn't sleep so we both took showers. I blow dried my hair and started letting a few other people know.

A little later Josh ran to get us some Jamba Juice, and around 9:30 my doula showed up. We went for a walk, chilled in the living room (talking about the Kardashians), chilled in the bedroom, I put on make-up, Gma came over and then Mom arrived around 12:30. Mom let me know that my dad was on the next flight home! (He arrived around 7pm) That's when the contractions starting getting really intense. I kept apologizing for being a drama queen, and didn't want to say what my pain level was when Whitni asked because I was nervous I was being a wuss! Josh and Whitni were an amazing team and I would highly, HIGHLY recommend a doula. (after it was all over Josh said, "We have to pay Whitni more than we agreed on, she was amazing!")

I labored at home until 3:30, and then we called Michele and headed to the birthing center! (Gentle Beginnings Birth Center) I'll try to spare you the knitty gritty details- but from that point until 2:30 am Sunday morning, I labored. I never screamed, never thought I couldn't do it. (The peace of the Lord, no doubt.) At one point I remember thinking (and saying) how empowered I felt! It's an amazing thing bringing (at least trying to bring) a person into the world. I threw up a couple times into those handy dandy barf bags. The last time I threw up it was just Josh and Whitni in the room and they couldn't find the bags, so they grabbed a trash can and I puked my guts up. We later found out that was the laundry bin. Whoops!

Then around 9:20pm I started to push. And I pushed. And pushed. And pushed. Every position known to man. Or woman. On the toilet, on my back, on my side, on all fours, in the birthing tub, on the bed, standing up, squatting. A woman came in after me and not too long after I heard the cries of a newborn baby. I kept asking, "She's going to come out, right?" "When do you think she's going to come out?" I remember joking about having a "Star Wars baby" (May 4th) but saying, surely not! She's definitely coming before midnight! The handheld mirror was pulled out at some point, so I could see the progress I was making. I still can't decide if it was beneficial or not. It was almost frustrating to be able to see her head and still not get her out. Somewhere around 1:00am I could feel myself losing power. I realized I was falling asleep in-between pushes when the feeling of Michele checking Emery's heart rate woke me up! I was also hallucinating/dreaming that the walls were wiggling. No good. 

Hate this pic of me, but love that you can see my whole birth team!

The last time I walked back from the bathroom (I found pushing on the toilet was the easiest) to birthing room, I was exhausted. Michele let me know that I had been pushing for about four hours and it might be time to start considering other options, especially because Emery was posterior. As soon as she said that I was relieved. She said I could either try to lay down and sleep, then try pushing again, or head to the hospital. I knew there was no way I could sleep with the contractions coming so frequently and so strong, so we started discussing making our way to the hospital. I remember looking into Josh's eyes, both of us weepy, trying to decide what to do. We don't have Maternity Insurance, so we knew making the decision to go could put us in financial jeopardy, but in the end decided it was the best decision for Emery and me. 

Is everybody hanging out without me? YES. 

And with that, we starting packing and loading up! I remember Dad telling everybody in the parking lot, "Pray, pray, pray!" We had quite the caravan that night. Josh, Whitni, and I in our car, Mom, Dad, and Gma in another, Bethany in hers, Stephanie in hers, Nicole in hers, and Michele leading the way! Let me tell you, a 30 minute drive with a baby's head in-between your legs is not comfortable. I felt every. little. bump. In case you were wondering. :) I kept saying "epidural" over and over in my head. Even though I've never had one I knew it would feel good! That car ride was silent - except for my deep breathing and once when I put my hand on Josh's leg and said, "Can you drive a little faster, please?" We arrived at the hospital and somehow I got out of the car and into the wheelchair. Sitting in the wheelchair was just as bad as sitting in the car. We made our way to the Labor and Delivery floor where I was met by the hospital's midwives. 

I was given some kind of pain medicine and crawled into the hospital bed. They kept asking me questions and I vividly remember just not responding. Hey, at that point I had been up for 24 hours, I deserved to be a little bratty- right?? ;) Then came the epidural. That dear, sweet epidural. Getting it was not that fun, as they kept telling me to stay really still WHILE I was still contracting! I also dozed off in the process. When I was finally able to lay down, they let us know they were going to let Josh and I sleep for a few hours and then we'd see what steps needed to be taken. They didn't have to tell me twice. I slept hard even with the nurses constantly checking me and Emery. Around 8:30 they came in and we talked. The hospital midwife gave me two options: either let them give me Pitocin and try to push some more, or have a C-Section. She said she would recommend the C-Section only because she looked at my chart and saw that I had pushed in every position and she still wouldn't come out. We ended up deciding to do a C-Section after a very tearful conversation.

See Michele holding my hand? :)

I expected the C-Section to be very pleasant, because of all the scheduled ones you hear about celebrities getting. I guess it would have been a little better if I hadn't been in labor for 30 hours and she wasn't so far down. To say I felt "tugging" would be an understatement. I could feel every move the doctor made, including the pull of the blade. Ick. I was so thankful that they allowed Josh, my midwife Michele, and Bethany (and her camera) to be in the OR. I remember laying there, crying, saying "ow, ow, ow" over and over. I know it wasn't a very long surgery, but it felt like F O R E V E R before Emery made her appearance. And then, out she was! She was LOUD! I looked at Josh and he said, "That's our baby girl!"And we both cried. I heard them say "9:12" (time of birth) and thought that was the weight! I looked at Michele and said 9-12?! :) They sort of held her around the curtain so I could see, and then Josh went with them to clean her up. Michele stayed and held my hand and I'll be forever grateful for that. Midwives are the best.

Emery Kate Barton

May 4, 2014 9:12 am

8 lbs 13 oz

20.5 in

They brought her over for me to hold her, but it was so awkward and uncomfortable because she was practically on my neck! I couldn't even see her face and I was so, so exhausted I was dozing in and out of sleep. Michele leaned over and asked if I wanted Josh to hold her again and I nodded yes. I was so thankful she was there. When Josh walked away to be with Emery, Michele was telling me everything the doctors were doing. It was very reassuring. :) Then they put me back on the bed, handed me that tiny little bundle and pushed me down the hall. (Not before we somehow set off the security bracelets and guards came running in the OR asking where the baby was. Whoops.)

In the end, I felt like I had failed - not being able to get her out. I was quickly reassured by my midwife and the doctor that did my C-Section that it was because Emery was posterior, and that I can most definitely have (try) a VBAC! That was reassuring.





And that's the (very long) story of how Emery came into our lives. 


PS: I cannot thank my birth team enough. They were amazing. Michele, Malloree, Whitni, and Ann: you guys blow me away. Thank you for all that you do. I considered myself very lucky to have ALL of you by my side.

PSS: Bethany, you are a rock star. She hung out all night and took all these pictures. PREGNANT. Kudos for not throwing up after seeing my insides on my outsides.