New Mommy Survival List (Mommy Edition)

I just wanted to share a few of my favorite things...

-Target nursing tanks. Seriously, I live in them. I only had one to start with, and I would literally sit around naked while it was in the washing machine. So great for middle of the night feedings, and super comfortable! Plus, you can wear it under your "real" clothes and it doubles as a bra/camisole!

-Netflix!! I love it!! Josh and I cancelled our TV while I was pregnant, and got Netflix instead. Way cheaper! :) It has been my saving grace, especially while nursing. They also have an app, so I can watch it wherever I am while I'm nursing! So far, (this includes while I was pregnant) I've watched:

Sherlock
Once Upon A Time
Friday Night Lights
Hart of Dixie
Rules of Engagement
Dawson's Creek
The Baby-Sitter's Club
Alias
Grey's Anatomy

So, yeah, like I said, I love Netflix.

-Two Dots. If you haven't heard of it, let me tell you. It is a free, VERY addicting game. Another super awesome pastime for those middle of the night feedings.

-Yogurt and protein bars. Easy to grab, easy to eat!

-Iced coffee. BLESS YOU. Between the Texas heat and hormonal hot flashes, I just can't handle hot coffee! I started brewing coffee at night, and then refrigerating it overnight in a half gallon jug. (By the way, if you are brewing for iced coffee, double the amount of grounds so ice/creamer doesn't water it down. Thanks for that tip, Stephanie!)

-A helpful husband. I don't want to make you gag, but my husband is AMAZING. I am so, so thankful for him. He is so hands on with Emery. Never hesitant to change a diaper or get up in the night to shush her back to sleep.

What Have I Done?? (A Reflection on Emery's First Three Weeks)

You could've asked me from the time I could talk up until Emery was born what "I wanted to be when I grew up" and the answer would be the same: a mom. (Except the short span around age 8 when I wanted to be a waitress.) I could hold a baby on my hip with ease around age 6. By age 11 I was babysitting. In high school I got in huge arguments with my teachers because I could care less about college tours and scholarships. I wanted to graduate, get married, and have babies. I worked summers at Hume in the nursery and day camp. I've nannied for countless families for kids of all ages. Babies didn't scare me. Taking care of kiddos came easy to me. I loved rocking babies to sleep, changing diapers, fixing meals, driving the carpool, wiping noses. I was the girl that walked into my friends house and demanded they take a shower or a nap while I took the screaming baby. Because of all of this, I expected to transition into motherhood with ease.

I was wrong.

We spent almost a week in the hospital because of my C-Section and Emery's jaundice. The whole time we were there I was so excited for people to come visit! The first night home from the hospital with Emery was a breeze. She slept until almost 4:00am, and went right back to sleep after I fed her. I woke up and started my day with a smile on my face and a skip in my step. I was living the dream. MY dream. All I'd ever wanted. My mom offered to spend the night since my dad was out of town. Sure, I thought! That will be fun. We can just talk about how precious my baby is while Mom helps with dishes and laundry. That night Emery slept in our room again and I woke up feeling awesome. Tired, but awesome. And then my mom left. And then, my hormones went BERSERK. And I followed shortly after. I couldn't even look at Emery without crying. I cringed when she cried. Had no interest in holding her. The cute outfits and bows didn't help. All I could think about was, WHAT HAVE I DONE?

I texted my mom not even 2 hours after she left and asked when she was coming back. She told me she'd call me in a bit. My sister-in-law Nicole came over and plucked my eyebrows. Halfway through, my mom called. I ran to my closet and sat on my birthing ball (a place that has become quite popular for my emotional meltdowns) and screamed into the phone that I absolutely cannot do this and I need her to come back and why in the world did the Lord let me have a baby because I am certainly NOT cut out for this. She said she'd head right over. God bless that woman. I walked back into the living room, and while Nicole started on my right eyebrow, our best friends Austin and Stephanie walked in. I tried to small talk. I tried to act normal. I tried to smile. I tried to agree when everybody talked about how cute Emery was. Shortly after my mom arrived and I tried to pretend it was her idea to come back. It was too much. I needed an escape. I decided to take a shower, just to be alone. I bawled the whole time. I was on the sitting on the toilet naked when Josh popped his head in and asked what I wanted to do for dinner. I burst into tears. God bless that man. He started to console me and then said, "Do you want me to get your mom?" I responded with snot all over my face, "YES." And then I asked him to kick our friends out. I'm the worst. He's the best. My mom came in and then I started what might be the lowest point of my life. Hugging my mom, naked, sitting on the toilet, crying. The lowest of low.

And that was my life until Emery was 3 weeks old. I cried everyday. All day. I had no appetite. My mom would bring me snacks and meals and I would try my best to gag them down. I didn't want to see anyone. I didn't answer my phone. I didn't want to talk to anyone. If I did, it was over text so I could cry without the person knowing. People who had so graciously signed up to bring us dinner showed up with huge smiles and open arms and I thanked them shortly and didn't even get up off the couch. (Sorry people who brought meals week 1-3!) It was all I could do to keep myself together until they walked out the door. And then I cried again. We tried to have our friends over a few times, and it always ended with me crying in the bathroom. My sister-in-law Heather tried her best to reassure me that it was okay to lock myself in my room while my mom held my screaming child in the other room. Which I did, a lot. And I barely even felt bad about it. I held my mom hostage the first week Josh went back to work. I cried if I even THOUGHT about her leaving. She was amazing. Constantly telling me that I wasn't crazy. That the hormones were normal. That it would go away. That I would feel better. Her last day here we went over to her house for the day, and then Josh picked me and Emery up to take us home. Mom didn't come with us because Josh would be home for the weekend. I cried the entire ride home. Josh was amazing. Never hesitating to change a diaper or get up in the middle of the night to rock her back to sleep. I apologized daily (sometimes hourly) for being such a crazy person. Even when I knew I was acting crazy, I couldn't control it. Which made me feel crazier.

And then, the day Emery turned 3 weeks old, I woke up, looked at her, and fell in love. I remember saying, "Josh! I really like her!" It was a miracle. At least to me, ha ha! It was like a switch flipped. Her crying didn't bother me, I wanted to dress her up and take her out! I started posting a million pictures and my tweets got a little more uplifting. We could have friends over and I actually had a good time. I felt like myself again.

I didn't write this blog to complain, or freak all the first-time-pregnant moms out. I wanted to write about it because I don't feel like anyone does. Sure, you hear about it changing your whole life, and being super tired, and having "mom brain", but I've rarely heard or read about women experiencing the craziness that is Baby Blues. I want to get the word out there- that you AREN'T crazy. And that it IS normal.

So please, if you just had a baby and you're wondering where all those warm fuzzy feelings are, just know, they're hiding. But they will come out. Eventually. 

PS: Just so you know, there are different levels of Baby Blues, some worse and some better than mine. Also, not every mom experiences it, so if it didn't happen to you, please ignore this blog. :)